June 2004:  Word to the wise -- 
Receiving feedback with uncommon grace

Your monthly IdeaShape newsletter with ideas on leadership and life for executives, managers, consultants, and exec coaches.

Key Content: 3 stances toward feedback 
Action Challenge:  What does it take for you...
Resources
Note from Pam

"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened." 
-- Winston Churchill

"I'm always fascinated when someone wants to tell me about me.
Whatever they say is always true, one way or another."
-- Byron Katie 

I see leaders take any of 3 stances toward feedback:

1. "Yes, but" -- Explaining it away (brusquely or sweetly)
    Mindset: "I know the real story"  "My reasons trump their reactions"
    "My success depends on defending my identity as a near-perfect performer"
    Outcome: No learning; other person escalates or stops giving you feedback
    Frequency: Approximately 60% of what I see

2. "What I hear you saying..." -- Asking questions and reflecting back
    Mindset: "If I act non-defensive and 'listen actively' I might learn something
    and at least the other person will go away feeling heard"
    Outcome: Some learning possible; relationship intact (at least until they see
    whether you actually act on the feedback)
    Frequency: 30% of what I see

3. "Yes, I can see that... What could it mean for us?" -- Hearing it, 
    finding it, and being willing to be changed
    Mindset: "I'm curious...this helps me understand me and them, and us"
    "I wonder...if I take this as true, what else might be true?"
    "I might learn a lot from this -- or not, interesting either way"
    Outcome: Deep learning possible; relationship always strengthened 
    Frequency: 10% of what I see

This 3rd stance proves most powerful every time. Yet, it requires uncommon grace and wisdom. You need to be able to refrain from counter-attacking while expressing curiosity about and responsibility for the pattern at play between the two of you. And, you need to be secure enough in yourself to be self-determining (fully choosing your own course) and also humble enough to consider input from anyone. I see the ability to navigate these sorts of polarities as a hallmark of mature leadership.   

Action Challenge:  What does it take for you to respond well?

To start, notice each time you get any feedback -- "positive" or "constructive", big or small. Which stance do you take?  Over the course of a week or a month, how often do you find yourself in each of the three stances? 

What are your beliefs (mindset) that underlie your behavior?  
When you recognize yourself in any of these patterns, what's going on for you?
In particular, when you act from Stance #3, what internal choices enable you to respond at your best?

If you want to respond at your best more consistently, here are some productive conversations to have with yourself -- or a mentor, coach, or trusted peer:

• What do I consider my greatest strengths?  How tightly do I cling to that identity? If someone perceives me as weak in those areas, does that mean I've been deluding myself... or they're off-base... or maybe this is an opportunity for me to take that strength to the next level?
  

• How do I explain away my limitations and unproductive habits?  What am I pretending not to see?  What might I discover if I set aside those stories and took a fresh look at my weaknesses?
  

• How rested and healthy am I today? Am I functioning at my best?  If difficult feedback comes when I'm less-than-resilient, how can I handle it?
  

• When I think of someone who's "smart" or "perceptive" to what extent am I thinking of people like myself?  What might I have to learn from people who are different?  What would it take for me to be open to hearing feedback from people I silently dismiss?
  

Resources

Plenty has been written about the basics of receiving feedback, mostly recommending Stance 2. Here are two good tip sheets:
Guidelines for Receiving Feedback
Taking Feedback to Heart (and Action) by Jay M. Jackman and Myra H. Strober

Taking the War Out of Our Words: The Art of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication, by Sharon Ellison, 1998
-- Yes, I'm recommending this again. Sharon offers an attainable vision of non-defensive power, with practical suggestions and conversation examples.

Good Communication That Blocks Learning, by Chris Argyris, 1994
-- When we say we're "open" to feedback, often we're open to what Argyris calls single-loop learning: asking a simplistic question to get a shallow answer.  In double-loop learning, we open ourselves to questioning our beliefs and assumptions. We expand our view of the "problem" and create the opportunity for more meaningful solutions.

Related newsletters from IdeaShape:
"Giving Feedback: Where's Your Missing Link?"
"How to Make the Most of 360 Feedback"

Note from Pam

Do men and women value feedback differently?

Current research says no, at least when considering the value of feedback in developing emotional intelligence. In a study I'm co-authoring of 265 leaders, men and women are equally likely to mention feedback as important in developing emotional intelligence. In fact, men and women showed no statistically significant difference in how they define or develop EQ. However, people with different personalities, as indicated by the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (r), do differ significantly in how they develop EQ, including the importance of feedback.
For more information on this research, feel free to email me.

You receive this newsletter every month or so with ideas and resources you can use to shape your success. Some of these ideas may strike you as obvious... I invite you to step back and look at how this is actually working in your life. Others may seem far out... I invite you to consider how much choice you actually have. If you'd like to get in touch about any of this, email me. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Warm regards,
Pam

(c) Pam Fox Rollin, IdeaShape Coaching & Consulting, www.ideashape.com

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