October 2002:
How close are you to truth?
This is your IdeaShape newsletter, October 2002,
with ideas on leadership and life for executives, managers,
consultants, and executive coaches.
By Pam Fox Rollin, IdeaShape Coaching & Consulting
http://www.ideashape.com
Contents
A. Big Idea
B. Action Challenge
C. Resources
D. Note from Pam
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A. Big Idea: Great conversations get at truth.
"There is something within us that responds deeply to
people who level with us."
-- Susan Scott
The greatest enemy of communication is the illusion of it.
-- Pierre Martineau
"Truth burns up error."
-- Sojourner Truth
What do we mean by truth, and what does that have to do with
productive conversations?
Let's borrow Larry Wilson's definition-- truth is simply "what you believe."
If you believe it, then it's true for you. Of course, since beliefs
can be changed, truth (as we're defining it) can change as well.
And since we can have conflicting beliefs, there are multiple versions
of truth for any issue.
When we have a great conversation, we walk away informed and/or
influenced. That is, we better understand what each other believes and/or
we each adjust or expand our own beliefs. If we're dancing around
truth, we've just missed our shot at a great conversation.
So what gets in the way?
- We don't know the truth ourselves, because we haven't asked ourselves
what we believe or we'd rather not know.
- We doubt we can say what we believe with poise, tact, and grace.
- Even if we could, we don't think the other person could bear it.
(Jack Nicholson's classic line, "The truth? You can't handle the truth.")
- We think what we believe is unacceptable and will make us look bad.
- We're scared how we'll react if the other person then tells their truth.
- We don't want to risk being influenced by the other person.
- We don't want to risk ruining a relationship by starting to tell the truth.
- We don't want to risk deepening a relationship by starting to tell the truth.
From time to time, each of these make sense as a reason to withhold truth.
Yet, we overuse these reasons and deprive ourselves of information
and influence many times each day. How's this working for you?
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B. Action Challenge: What will you do to make your conversations more real?
1. Audit your conversations for a day. What are you withholding? Why?
Use the reasons above as a starter list and add your own.
What patterns emerge? What is your withholding gaining you?
What is it costing you? What would it take for you to get closer
to the truth?
2. When an issue comes up, identify, consciously, what you believe
concerning the issue and people involved. If you don't know what you believe,
make your best guess and refine it.
3. Challenge your unexamined beliefs. Does this reflect the best of
what you know? How well does this belief serve you? What else
might you believe? How can you test your beliefs?
4. Find a way to say what you believe... clearly and gracefully, if possible.
5. Give voice to paradox, competing commitments, and mixed feelings.
The reality of our beliefs is seldom tidy. See if it's possible for you to
state your main message strongly and then to summarize clearly
any dilemmas or ambiguities. ("What's not yet clear to me is...")
6. Ask for and listen to others' sincere views. Ask what's behind their views.
Get curious, risk learning something, risk being influenced. Ask them to
join you in investigating each of the views on the table.
7. Make people glad they told you.
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C. Resources
Fierce Conversations, by Susan Scott, 2002
-- Absolutely terrific book on communicating effectively.
How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work,
by Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey, 2001.
-- Challenges us to identify our competing commitments and assumptions
as individuals and in groups. Excellent for leaders and consultants
who are serious about getting good at getting to truth.
The Responsibility Virus, by Roger Martin, 2002
-- Skim Chapter 8, "The Frame Experiment", for a simple tool to
help surface and challenge your unexamined beliefs.
Play to Win, by Wilson & Wilson, 1998
-- All-around useful book about getting real with ourselves, challenging our
beliefs, finding courage, and taking action
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D. Note from Pam
Yesterday, I was coaching a rising-star exec who wants to influence
his peers more consistently. In the course of our conversation he
suddenly became aware that, bottom-line, he was viewing them as
less-than-brilliant adversaries who he must somehow bend to his will.
We both thought it likely that his peers were picking up on this.
even though he was doing his best to "make nice." Furthermore,
since he spent most of his conversations telling and counter-offering,
rather than asking questions, he had little insight into what might
actually motivate each of them to act.
I believe that intention is transparent. A person we privately disdain
or intend to manipulate will usually figure that out, even if our words
say something different. On some level, the truth will emerge. When
what we say matches what we intend, we communicate powerfully.
When there's a mismatch, we come off as insincere and weak.
So before working on your techniques for influence and negotiation,
check your perspective and your intention. What can you honestly
admire about that person? (If you can't think of anything, you probably
don't know him/her very well.) What does that person want?
How does your agenda item advance his/her interests?
You receive this email every month or so with ideas and resources
you can use to shape your success. Some of these ideas may
strike you as obvious... I invite you to step back and look at
how this is actually working in your life. Others may seem
far out... I invite you to consider how much choice you
actually have. If you'd like to get in touch about any of this,
please email me. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Warm regards,
Pam
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WHAT WOULD IT MEAN TO YOU TO...
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Be your most creative, focused self in your work?
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